restlessness

I don’t know what’s been up with me today.

The easiest way to put it is that, basically, I’ve felt like I’m a bit lacking in motivation lately.  I feel uneasy about the future and the direction I want to take, because even though I can oftentimes see what I want to do, or be, or accomplish, I let the vast number of possibilities and paths overwhelm.  Yeah, I know what I want, but how to get there…that’s a good question.

I’m pretty fortunate, really.  I have a very cushy (maybe not financially speaking, but flexibility speaking, at least) job right now, one that is quite comfortable and allows free time to explore my other interests.  That is to say, I’m not very interested in my day job, despite its perks.  I’d love to think that someday I’ll be a full-time photographer, working for myself, but once again…so many paths!  So many options.  One problem I know I have is that I never to miss out on anything because I’m doing something else.  Whatever “something else” may be.  I don’t wanna miss out on the big picture by getting trapped into tangents, which is kind of what I think happened to my dad.  Please, I would like a bolt of lightning to strike and show me how to go about it all.  Right now.  But that doesn’t happen too much.

I’m also pretty fortunate to have who I have in my life.  I’m close with some really great people, and honestly, those relationships are more important to me than making a bunch of money or anything else.  Four years ago, upon graduating from college, I thought quite differently, but now I know that I’ll be happy as long as I can share my experiences with those that I care about.  No matter what else.  My best friend often says “it doesn’t matter where you are, but who you’re with”.  I agree completely.  Does that really happen though?  There’s been a bit of drifting amongst friends in the past year or so, something that I told myself would never happen, but also something that the older and wiser around me said absolutely would.  So will I be happy in the long run?  Wow, how rhetorical…

Photography is all about experiences.  It’s about being there for the experience, and it’s about recording it as honestly as you can, as honestly as you personally see it, using the tools you’ve got, eyes translated to lens and viewfinder.  At least that’s how I see it…with my…eyes.  My ultimate hope is to combine the two:  life experience and career.  I say that that would make me happy–who wouldn’t be happy making a career out of their life experience–too often it winds up being the other way around.  But, I guess if one of those components isn’t a happy one then it will inevitably drag down the other.  Ugghh, this is a circle of thought that leads me back to RESTLESSNESS.

The decisions that must be made to break the circle are pretty big ones, I think.  Move out of this place for somewhere cheaper but not as convenient.  Stay in Atlanta or move elsewhere.  Sell the car to make the move, or be homeless and on the road for a while.  Try to make it on my own or look for work underneath someone.  Put it all on hold and go back to school.  Follow or not.  One option that is apparently not on the table is to settle.  I think that’s a good thing.  There’s more to it than just this, but it’s just for me.

I’ll make ‘em, I know I will.  This is probably a bit over the cliff from my usual blogging, but, that’s how I feel right now.  I’ll be back later.